Goals Update: Best Birthday in a Long Time+ Book Haul from NYC

I don’t think I’ve hid the fact that I’ve had some struggles lately or that I’m “working on myself” quite a bit. That being said, this past Sunday (well the 15th( was my Birthday so I took a break from everything I was doing and hoped on a train to NYC to visit my other friend in Manhattan. It was awesome (besides one store experience… see my previous My Experience at the Glossier Show Room to hear more about that) and I pretty much had my dream birthday besides the fact that I was broke af. But here are some goal updates with an added bonus of a book haul from The Strand.

Job:  I was hired at my dream job. Let me repeat because I’m so happy–MY DREAM JOB. It’s a job I’m perfectly suited for and I’ll basically be selling books. After all my money troubles and health struggles, it’s so satisfying and just plain nice to be able to write that I have my orientation tomorrow. Besides becoming a therapist, I feel like this is the job I was born to do. When I told one of my best friends Joey, she said that it was a perfect job for me because she associates me with books and warmth. I’m so happy that I can finally get afloat financially and go to work everyday.

GREs: I’m super nervous for these but to be fair, three of the programs I’m applying for don’t require the GREs. I really need to get on top of this though because my test date on the 4th is coming up.

Cooking: I’m back to making my rice balls and tofu. My bread making class (using yeast) is going really well and I’m learning a lot. I just made Anadama Bread and it turned out wonderful. I made Raisin Bread the week before and that also worked out great. I’m very glad that I’m learning this super useful skill because homemade bread is the best. It also doesn’t take too long to make! Next time I’ll take a picture of my loaf before I cut into it!

Transportation: I still have my amazing health insurance that helps with transportation but I really need to get my license. I needed to get it pretty much yesterday, but I’ve had the GREs and other stuff going on. I’m going to have to pay my parents for gas now, and honestly, I’d rather have the freedom of being behind the wheel. Basically, this is the only goal I’m hardcore failing at.

Volunteering/ Classes: I’ve actually been volunteering at a mental health clubhouse the last month, doing their data entry, helping out with interns and planning, and stuff like that. It’s been extremely fulfilling and I’m made a lot of friends and met a lot of nice people along the way.

I’m also still continuing to work towards my grad school goals. I’ve gotten all the letters of rec I needed, wrote a personal statement, and have started all my applications. My parents birthday present to me is paying for $130 dollars worth of application fees. Getting a job is also really helping this goal because now I’ll be able to afford to pay to apply!

Dating: Has been going wonderful. My boyfriend is visiting me right now.

Here’s a photo of us:

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He’s super wonderful and damn near perfect so I’m really happy right now.

That’s it! I actually had a panic attack the other day (which was awful) because I feel like too many good things are going on in my life right now. I just feel like my life has never gone this well and the universe is going to take it away from me somehow, someway, which is super illogical.

Oh I almost forgot… the books I got from the Strand for my Birthday this past week!

  • Sex and Rage by Eve Babitz, which is written just how I like the books I read to be written. It’s a bit magical and poetic. A quote from the back is that it a novel about “a dreamy young girl moving between LA and New York”. I highly recommend checking Eve Babitz out.
  • Total Mood Killer by Merritt K and Niina Pollari is a poetry book that I also highly recommend. My favorite poem so far is “Every Mascara Is Exactly the Same” and features the lines “i wondered how many makeups/ it would take for you to like me”. It’s a beautiful book so far. 🙂
  • Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having and What’s Really Making You Crazy by Julie Holland, MD is a really interesting book that I picked up because it relates to my chosen field (psychology) and a lot of it seems centered on discussing psychiatric drugs, which is definitely a subject I enjoy reading multiple opinions on. So far her writing style is extremely engaging and the subject is hitting home a bit. I figure that even if I disagree with her (which I haven’t so far but I’m not too far in), it will still be worth it to read more opinions and be more aware of some of the literature that’s around and heavily concerns my field.
  • Smut: Stories by Alan Bennett is just a fun book I picked up. I wanted something a little out there, something fun, and something “tender and comic” as The Independent (London) says on the back of the book. I haven’t really started the book yet, but it’s a really small book that I can’t imagine will take too much time to read.

 

Thanks for reading! What books are you currently reading? And what are your goals? How is your life going? Comment below!

 

 

 

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Get to know me: A Personal Q&A

These questions were adapted from a Tumblr Q&A that was asked up me awhile back. I think it’s a fun way for readers to know more about me and my life and discuss some cool topics.

What would you name your future daughter?

Hmm… most people would hate the names I was thinking about (why I was even thinking about children, I really don’t know). But I really like the name Stella. I also like the name Greta (but my cat was named Greta first so I don’t know how that would go over). I like the name Agnes but I’d never name a child that. I think she’d kill me. Penelope too. Aspen is another name I like but I don’t think I could stand having both me and my child named after a tree.

I’d probably name her Avery. I like that name and I don’t think it’s too objectionable. My taste in girl names really isn’t the best tbh, but I really like Avery (I like Stella too but you’d be surprised how many people don’t like the name Stella).

Do you miss anyone?

Yes. I’m missing a couple of people. One in particular (see 27). But it’s been like that for a long time and after all this time I just can’t deal with it anymore. I still feel it, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of missing people. Things are going to be the way they are and I’m just going to keep going on with my life.

Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

I had to think about this one. I don’t think I have, unless I’ve missed something. I’ve definitely (a couple of times) kissed two people in one night, but not three.  There was one night where I kissed one of my best friends and the girl I was dating (just for fun, I don’t have romantic feelings for my friend we were at the party and I guess we both always wondered about that). She gave me a thumbs up. She’s pretty good too. There was another night where I kissed both guys I was dating (not at the same time). I didn’t really want to be dating one of them anymore but he didn’t want to let go. Bad time in my life.

There was one night at a party where I kissed one random guy. I think that was it though. I was not so drunk that I would’ve forgotten things. What I remember most clearly was trying to hike with docs on and half-smashed on Strawberry Ale. Fun time.

Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

No it took place on a field.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I don’t know anymore. I write about my feelings. I tell people very close to me some things. I leave other things out. I don’t know how much people can read off of my face or how I act. I used to think not much, but I’m not sure anymore. Maybe.

I mean I try to keep my feelings from people. I don’t go out and say how I’m feeling, sometimes it’s just obvious.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?

I pretty much only cry when I’m angry. So yes. A lot.

Who did you last see in person?

Both of my parents who are now arguing about politics, which is normal in our family. For the record, I’m super far left but I respect other political views.

 

 Are you listening to music right now?

Two songs are really on my mind right now (I’m also listening to them).

Beginners by Slow Club because it really pertains to my life. Or at least I feel like it does.  I first heard it watching Daniel Radcliffe in the music video right when it first came out. I really like that video. I’ve also been drunk and done shit like that, thankfully alone where no one could see me. This part is especially relevant:

“ And in a moment it all came to this
The greatest book you ever read came from my favorites list
Of all the things to lose,
it’s you I choose.

Oh, I told you, oh, to be older,
You know I’m right
I’m right.”

The other one is ‘Broken Open’ by Cold War Kids. For me that song as been about three different people in my life (one of them I really miss) and it’s a really good song but it’s really tough to listen to sometimes. Very difficult.

 What is something you currently want right now?

Besides World Peace? Safe passage and homes for immigrants? Better access to healthcare in America? A law system that is better prepared to charge and prosecute rapists/sex criminals? A law and police system that doesn’t further victimize the victims of such crimes? Justice for victims of crimes of racial hatred? For Feminism not to be a dirty word and for Feminism to address the concerns of more women, not just certain women? General fairness and a better education system that reaches the people who need it most?

I think a lot of people want those things. But more selfishly I want peace of mind and health.

Since those things aren’t happening any time soon I’d like my favorite smoothie order (Strawberry Surfrider or Lucky Lemon Punch), a cute silk or satin pj set, more lingerie (maybe something red or purple?), lots new makeup, morebooks, jeans that actually fit properly, decent tees, and a great super awesome date that ends with kissing on a god damn bed. Oh and for my job search and applications to go well.

 What is the last thing you said out lot?

“Those were some really good brownies” (to diffuse a situation) and “Turn on Lucifer!”

 

 How is your heart lately?

I think it’s getting smaller. I can’t seem to care as much as I used to.  There’s just something cold and detached about it. I’m always thinking that if a person turns out to be different than I thought they were, I’ll be okay no matter what. That’s great. But I do love someone very much right now and I want things to work out between us.

I’m a bit exhausted with makeup

Wearing makeup used to be many things for me. At first, when I started wearing it, it was just concealer. Then I got into the heavy black eyeliner on some days and years later in college, I had a love affair with lipstick that is still ongoing. In between then I learned how to do a lot of different eye shadow looks but that my thing was always complexion–it couldn’t be too heavy but I needed spot concealer for my spots and discoloration.

Makeup became fun for me around the time I started to have really serious struggles with OCD and I needed something artistic to help me feel good about myself. I created many different eye looks and had a lot of fun playing with my look without attaching it to who I was as a person.

When makeup became less fun was when I started to have skin issues. I recently identified the problem (hormonal birth control) but it’s going to take a bit for my body to regulate itself out and for me to feel comfortable with myself again.

Now, at this present moment in time, I’ve lost a lot of enthusiasm for makeup. I dislike feeling the need to wear it. I hate how my skin looks, but I still hate the feel of foundation so I stick to my tinted moisturizer and concealer.

Now I just want to feel good about myself and my skin. I’m tired of eye shadow and makeup all the time. I just want skincare and comfortability. To look like me but a bit better. To be travel friendly and really low maintenance with my makeup use for the most part. I’m just tired of trying to make myself feel better using the external. I want to feel good and have a happy relationship with myself.

This post isn’t to shame anyone. I myself still wear makeup, but right now it feels out of need, like someone is going to spit at me on the street if they see how ugly I look without it. And that’s not a pleasant way to feel about something I until recently, enjoyed so much.

Below I inserted pictures of me on a bad skin day with makeup on and one without makeup. One day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I hope to be happier with the picture on the right. Until then, I’m going to try to trudge out of this funk.

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Where the Hell was I: Goal Update

So my OCD and Depression got the better of me in the months of July and August. I’m not going to sugarcoat that in any post. However, I’m getting better now and I’m on medicine that works instead of flying solo.  That being said, I did make a huge amount of progress towards my goals and I want to share that progress. I also want to encourage anyone who has similar issues to seek help or even comment/ send me a message if you want to talk about anything.

Job: I was hired and then consequentially let go from my job because of an injury I received to my hand. I severed two tendons in my pinky and underwent hand surgery. I have the splint off my hand now and I’m going to physical therapy appointments to get my range of motion back. Despite all this, I still have some possibilities lined up for a job after my treatment is through and I actually quite excited about them. Much more excited than I was about my previous employment situation. 🙂 So take that, previous employer (excuse my bitterness, please)!

GREs: I decided once and for all that I want to be a Mental Health Counselor. I scheduled my GREs test date for the 4th of November and I’m studying the Math (and other sections) like hell. This time around I’m in a good place to actively work towards my goals and I’m really getting there. Thankfully a couple of schools won’t need my test scores but I’m still going to do as well as I can.

Cooking: I couldn’t cook with my splint/ brace on but I hope to get back into it (trust me, I tried and cracked a couple of eggs on the counter by mistake). I made rice balls a couple of months ago and I’d like to try making different flavored ones now. And master how in the fuck you’re supposed to use a rice maker.

Transportation: I’m doing rather well on this front. I got a new health insurance that helps me get me to appointments and I have more freedom. I also made friends that help me get places and give me a great sense of peace. I’m very happy to be where I am right now and to get focused on getting my license. Thank goodness for MassHealth.

Volunteering/ Classes: I’m applying to seven schools in the Massachusetts area. I’ve already asked for recommendations and I’m getting a draft of my personal statement done. My aim is to start my MA/ PHD/ or MSW in Fall 2018. I’m really doing this.

I’m also taking a bread making class starting in October. I’m beyond excited for that as well. 🙂 I always wanted to learn how to make homemade bread with my hands. Plus I get to bring my creations home!

Dating: I have some stuff going on on this front. Nothing too much because I’m really taking recovery first. Mostly I’m excited that I’ve been making friends and enjoying life again.

That’s it! What are your goals for the month and how have you been doing? Also, I’ll have quite a few hauls/ review posts coming up soon for both skincare and makeup.

 

Transportation Troubles: A Goal Update

A week ago I wrote  a post enthusiastically (perhaps a little too enthusiastic given the circumstances) describing my immediate future goals. I’ve decided that every week I’m going to write a post that tracks my goal progress, provided of course, I have any updates. Thankfully, this week I’ve made some progress.

LSAT and GRE prep: Going well. I set up a study program to cover my testing weak points and strengthen my strong points. I’m pretty confident about this test and I plan to take it in the early days of August (giving myself enough time to retake it if need be). I got my LSAT Kaplan book in the mail late on Sunday and I’ve given it a precursory look over. The test doesn’t look anywhere near as difficult as I thought it would be. I need to set up a study plan for this test and get past my Mother’s not so shocking disbelieve in my future.

Job Progress: I sent in more job applications, have another one set to mail, and secured two interviews so far. However, I can’t make it to those interviews because one job is too far away and the other isn’t a good fit. Honestly, I’m a bit discouraged but I hope that I’ll get more interview opportunities soon.

Furniture: I have two solid wood bookcases that were gifted to me and a lamp I purchased at Walmart. I’ve also chosen a light peach shade for my room and I’m painting this weekend. However, I haven’t been able to find a mattress, which is by far the most important piece of furniture I have on my list to secure. I need a damn mattress soon or I’m never going to get a good night’s sleep.

The Transportation issue: Abysmal. I can’t buy a bike until I get a mattress, I have no one to teach me how to drive, and I can’t afford a driving class until I have a job. It doesn’t help that a lot of jobs have ‘driver licensed required’ under the list of job descriptions. A mess.

Cooking: Haven’t been able to find my old recipe books yet, but I’ve had a few tests that tell me my liver is healthy again. I’m able to drink wine again. Nothing seems so bad with a little bit of cheap alcohol and a lack of body pain/ weakness. I’m now an expert on cooking firm tofu too.

Volunteering and Community College Classes: No progress without transportation or a job. However, I am getting my BA diploma delivered soon. It should be here on Friday. Thank you Cornell, for whatever it’s worth.

Extra: Online dating. My Mother really wants me to be dating again (despite having ended  a relationship less than a month ago) and she wants me to shell out a ton of money for a pay site like EHarmony or Match.com because she thinks ‘more quality people pay more money’. I’m not really interested. My experiment with Okcupid has already been enough for me… despite having 350 people ‘interested’ in me, I get a lot of messages about ‘taming monsters’ (don’t ask), how hot or alternatively, how ‘very aesthetically appealing my facial features are’ (a direct quote), messages that made it clear the guy didn’t bother to read my profile, messages crediting Joss Whedon with the creation of feminism (I love Buffy too but it’s definitely not the ‘reason for feminism’), and messages describing how a guy I’ve only said hi to will treat me right. All and all a waste of time.

 

 

Goals, goals, goals

Figuring out to do with my life post-graduation, post-breakup, pre-employment, and in the midst of an illness and eating disorder recovery has been difficult, especially when I’m banned from exercise and my energy is zapped. Still, I’ve made a list of a few goals that I hope will get me feeling more positive and less like sitting on the couch drinking my favorite cheap red wine blend (still, shoutout to Trader Joe’s for cheap, yet affordable alcohol). So in no particular order (with the exception of #1):

  1. Get a job. I’m used to having something to do and I’m not doing great staying idle. I also need money and not in the I-need-spending-money sort of way, but in the I-desperately-need-money-to-live way.Hence stalking online job advertisement websites, tweaking my resumes, writing cover letters, and applying to every place that has a help wanted sign. Somewhere has to come through, right?
  2. Start studying for both the GREs and the LSATs. I don’t know exactly what career I want to go into, but I know my future will include grad school and helping people. For the past few years I’ve been leaning strongly towards a career in public/ mental health or a career as a lawyer focused on prosecuting sexual assault cases. Taking the these tests is a good place to start.
  3. Buy a bike. That’s it. I need an easier, cost effective way to get around the small town/ city I’ll be living in. I also look forward to using it to exercise (once I’m pretty much all better).
  4. Furnish and paint my new room. I have no furniture (not even a mattress) to speak of  so I need to need get some basic furniture at thrift stores, garage sales, and cheap retailers so I don’t end up in a sleeping on the floor for an extended period of time.
  5. Learn to drive. I never needed to know how to drive before because I lived in a city and then a college town so I took the bus everywhere. Also, I’m terrified of cars. Now I have to find a way to get past that.
  6. Go through vegetarian recipe books to learn how to make meals I can cook. I’ve been a vegetarian for a year and a half and I’ve done a terrible job of it. I need more protein and iron in my diet or I won’t be getting better anytime soon.
  7. Volunteer. No justification or reason needed.
  8. Take a community college class. I already miss being in school. As soon as I can afford to, I like to take a class in one of the many subjects I was interested in, but never had the time to explore in school.

Thanks for reading! What are your goals at the moment?