Get to know me: A Personal Q&A

These questions were adapted from a Tumblr Q&A that was asked up me awhile back. I think it’s a fun way for readers to know more about me and my life and discuss some cool topics.

What would you name your future daughter?

Hmm… most people would hate the names I was thinking about (why I was even thinking about children, I really don’t know). But I really like the name Stella. I also like the name Greta (but my cat was named Greta first so I don’t know how that would go over). I like the name Agnes but I’d never name a child that. I think she’d kill me. Penelope too. Aspen is another name I like but I don’t think I could stand having both me and my child named after a tree.

I’d probably name her Avery. I like that name and I don’t think it’s too objectionable. My taste in girl names really isn’t the best tbh, but I really like Avery (I like Stella too but you’d be surprised how many people don’t like the name Stella).

Do you miss anyone?

Yes. I’m missing a couple of people. One in particular (see 27). But it’s been like that for a long time and after all this time I just can’t deal with it anymore. I still feel it, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of missing people. Things are going to be the way they are and I’m just going to keep going on with my life.

Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

I had to think about this one. I don’t think I have, unless I’ve missed something. I’ve definitely (a couple of times) kissed two people in one night, but not three.  There was one night where I kissed one of my best friends and the girl I was dating (just for fun, I don’t have romantic feelings for my friend we were at the party and I guess we both always wondered about that). She gave me a thumbs up. She’s pretty good too. There was another night where I kissed both guys I was dating (not at the same time). I didn’t really want to be dating one of them anymore but he didn’t want to let go. Bad time in my life.

There was one night at a party where I kissed one random guy. I think that was it though. I was not so drunk that I would’ve forgotten things. What I remember most clearly was trying to hike with docs on and half-smashed on Strawberry Ale. Fun time.

Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

No it took place on a field.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I don’t know anymore. I write about my feelings. I tell people very close to me some things. I leave other things out. I don’t know how much people can read off of my face or how I act. I used to think not much, but I’m not sure anymore. Maybe.

I mean I try to keep my feelings from people. I don’t go out and say how I’m feeling, sometimes it’s just obvious.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?

I pretty much only cry when I’m angry. So yes. A lot.

Who did you last see in person?

Both of my parents who are now arguing about politics, which is normal in our family. For the record, I’m super far left but I respect other political views.

 

 Are you listening to music right now?

Two songs are really on my mind right now (I’m also listening to them).

Beginners by Slow Club because it really pertains to my life. Or at least I feel like it does.  I first heard it watching Daniel Radcliffe in the music video right when it first came out. I really like that video. I’ve also been drunk and done shit like that, thankfully alone where no one could see me. This part is especially relevant:

“ And in a moment it all came to this
The greatest book you ever read came from my favorites list
Of all the things to lose,
it’s you I choose.

Oh, I told you, oh, to be older,
You know I’m right
I’m right.”

The other one is ‘Broken Open’ by Cold War Kids. For me that song as been about three different people in my life (one of them I really miss) and it’s a really good song but it’s really tough to listen to sometimes. Very difficult.

 What is something you currently want right now?

Besides World Peace? Safe passage and homes for immigrants? Better access to healthcare in America? A law system that is better prepared to charge and prosecute rapists/sex criminals? A law and police system that doesn’t further victimize the victims of such crimes? Justice for victims of crimes of racial hatred? For Feminism not to be a dirty word and for Feminism to address the concerns of more women, not just certain women? General fairness and a better education system that reaches the people who need it most?

I think a lot of people want those things. But more selfishly I want peace of mind and health.

Since those things aren’t happening any time soon I’d like my favorite smoothie order (Strawberry Surfrider or Lucky Lemon Punch), a cute silk or satin pj set, more lingerie (maybe something red or purple?), lots new makeup, morebooks, jeans that actually fit properly, decent tees, and a great super awesome date that ends with kissing on a god damn bed. Oh and for my job search and applications to go well.

 What is the last thing you said out lot?

“Those were some really good brownies” (to diffuse a situation) and “Turn on Lucifer!”

 

 How is your heart lately?

I think it’s getting smaller. I can’t seem to care as much as I used to.  There’s just something cold and detached about it. I’m always thinking that if a person turns out to be different than I thought they were, I’ll be okay no matter what. That’s great. But I do love someone very much right now and I want things to work out between us.

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I’m a bit exhausted with makeup

Wearing makeup used to be many things for me. At first, when I started wearing it, it was just concealer. Then I got into the heavy black eyeliner on some days and years later in college, I had a love affair with lipstick that is still ongoing. In between then I learned how to do a lot of different eye shadow looks but that my thing was always complexion–it couldn’t be too heavy but I needed spot concealer for my spots and discoloration.

Makeup became fun for me around the time I started to have really serious struggles with OCD and I needed something artistic to help me feel good about myself. I created many different eye looks and had a lot of fun playing with my look without attaching it to who I was as a person.

When makeup became less fun was when I started to have skin issues. I recently identified the problem (hormonal birth control) but it’s going to take a bit for my body to regulate itself out and for me to feel comfortable with myself again.

Now, at this present moment in time, I’ve lost a lot of enthusiasm for makeup. I dislike feeling the need to wear it. I hate how my skin looks, but I still hate the feel of foundation so I stick to my tinted moisturizer and concealer.

Now I just want to feel good about myself and my skin. I’m tired of eye shadow and makeup all the time. I just want skincare and comfortability. To look like me but a bit better. To be travel friendly and really low maintenance with my makeup use for the most part. I’m just tired of trying to make myself feel better using the external. I want to feel good and have a happy relationship with myself.

This post isn’t to shame anyone. I myself still wear makeup, but right now it feels out of need, like someone is going to spit at me on the street if they see how ugly I look without it. And that’s not a pleasant way to feel about something I until recently, enjoyed so much.

Below I inserted pictures of me on a bad skin day with makeup on and one without makeup. One day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I hope to be happier with the picture on the right. Until then, I’m going to try to trudge out of this funk.

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Where the Hell was I: Goal Update

So my OCD and Depression got the better of me in the months of July and August. I’m not going to sugarcoat that in any post. However, I’m getting better now and I’m on medicine that works instead of flying solo.  That being said, I did make a huge amount of progress towards my goals and I want to share that progress. I also want to encourage anyone who has similar issues to seek help or even comment/ send me a message if you want to talk about anything.

Job: I was hired and then consequentially let go from my job because of an injury I received to my hand. I severed two tendons in my pinky and underwent hand surgery. I have the splint off my hand now and I’m going to physical therapy appointments to get my range of motion back. Despite all this, I still have some possibilities lined up for a job after my treatment is through and I actually quite excited about them. Much more excited than I was about my previous employment situation. 🙂 So take that, previous employer (excuse my bitterness, please)!

GREs: I decided once and for all that I want to be a Mental Health Counselor. I scheduled my GREs test date for the 4th of November and I’m studying the Math (and other sections) like hell. This time around I’m in a good place to actively work towards my goals and I’m really getting there. Thankfully a couple of schools won’t need my test scores but I’m still going to do as well as I can.

Cooking: I couldn’t cook with my splint/ brace on but I hope to get back into it (trust me, I tried and cracked a couple of eggs on the counter by mistake). I made rice balls a couple of months ago and I’d like to try making different flavored ones now. And master how in the fuck you’re supposed to use a rice maker.

Transportation: I’m doing rather well on this front. I got a new health insurance that helps me get me to appointments and I have more freedom. I also made friends that help me get places and give me a great sense of peace. I’m very happy to be where I am right now and to get focused on getting my license. Thank goodness for MassHealth.

Volunteering/ Classes: I’m applying to seven schools in the Massachusetts area. I’ve already asked for recommendations and I’m getting a draft of my personal statement done. My aim is to start my MA/ PHD/ or MSW in Fall 2018. I’m really doing this.

I’m also taking a bread making class starting in October. I’m beyond excited for that as well. 🙂 I always wanted to learn how to make homemade bread with my hands. Plus I get to bring my creations home!

Dating: I have some stuff going on on this front. Nothing too much because I’m really taking recovery first. Mostly I’m excited that I’ve been making friends and enjoying life again.

That’s it! What are your goals for the month and how have you been doing? Also, I’ll have quite a few hauls/ review posts coming up soon for both skincare and makeup.

 

Interview, Diploma, and Home Troubles: Goal Update

This is going to be an extremely candid post.

My family and I don’t get along. My struggles with OCD, eating, depression, and anxiety frustrate my family, especially my mother. Until recently, my father didn’t believe in mental health issues and it took several discussions with doctors and several (repeated) second and third opinions/ official diagnoses to get him understand. My mom has her own problems but never has been able to understand why certain things are difficult for me because they aren’t difficult for her. She heavily disputes my need for medication but wonders why things start to go wrong when I’m not on it. Her expressed opinion is that my disorders make her life more difficult, she didn’t do anything to deserve this, and her behavior generally consists of her and my brother repeatedly mocking me. Despite her opinion of me, she has always resented that I moved so far away to go to school because she feels a lot of my problems could’ve been avoided if she were there to ‘watch over me’.

None of this is to say I don’t love them or that I don’t contribute to issues in my family.  I’m definitely not always perfect or right, and things have been extremely tense recently. It’s just to say that my current situation isn’t a healthy environment for me and I should’ve never moved home, despite my parents insistence that things would be different and they would help me get healthy. Only my Father has been making an effort and to be honest, I still resent him for his previous beliefs and accusations about me being weak, making up my mental state, and purposely sabotaging my family. He has since admitted that his previous attitudes were incorrect but has never apologized and frequently says similar things when he is angry at me.

That is my current living situation, which might help to explain my current lack of enthusiasm for being out of school because despite whatever stress I was experiencing there, I wasn’t alone and I came home to a peaceful environment. Still, despite all this, I’ve made some progress with a few of my goals.

Job: I just came back from an interview I almost didn’t go to. I haven’t been feeling well recently and my parents and I have been fighting nonstop so I wasn’t very hopeful that the interview would amount to anything for me. Still, I went to the interview, was told that I was a good fit for the job, and that I would hear back for sure within the week. While it’s great that the interview didn’t go crappy and that I genuinely liked the manager and the atmosphere of the store, I’m a bit worried. First of all, I need a job really soon/ already needed one, the work while seemingly enjoyable, doesn’t relate to my grad school plans in the slightest, and I don’t know if I’ll get hired. Honestly, there aren’t many opportunities for employment (or otherwise) around where I live and I’m gratified for the opportunity to interview there and would love to be employed, but I’m distressed that all of the other places that have offered me interviews for jobs that relate to my field of study were too far away for me to commute. I really should get over this, but there is little more embarrassing to me personally than when someone asks me what I’m doing now that I’ve graduated and I have to tell them a) I’m looking for employment after recovering him an illness and b) that I’m seeking employment in an area that is not at all related to what I spent four years getting my degree in and it’s not by choice. The looks of pity, verbally expressed disapproval, questions about how well I did in school if I haven’t been able to find a job (actually, I did very well, thank you) are too much for me. I hate that my current situation is most likely going to look like that for the next two years of my life because grad school keeps getting postponed.

GRE and LSATS: I was extremely discouraged this past week since it felt like all my efforts were fruitless and going to amount to nothing so I haven’t been doing any studying at all. I hope to start again today. Testing and writing have always been two things I’ve been good at but it’s been hard to focus.

Cooking: I ran out of most of my food and need to purchase more. When I was feeling really sad, I foolishly lapsed into some disordered behaviors and threw away a package of my food thinking ‘if it’s not here I can’t eat it and gain weight’. Yep, that’s completely my fault. I also made cookies for myself and my family but my mom didn’t want any and tried to throw those out before my dad rescued them.

Transportation: I’m ordered a bike today so I can leave my house more, exercise, and avoid dealing with my family.

Volunteering/ Classes: Same as last week (no progress), but if I can get a job soon, I have hope that I’ll be able to look into something .

Furniture: I now have a bed, box spring, chair, chest of drawers, and vanity that I’ve purchased. I still need to paint my walls so I can’t unpack, but it’s nice to have places to put my things in the future.

Dating: I don’t feel much like leaving my house, talking to any of my old friends, or much less like going on a date. I’ve had a few seat up, but I never end up making the final plans. I don’t imagine I’d have much to talk about with my life being a certifiable mess so I’m just going to stay out of that for a long time. I also don’t look anywhere near my best atm.

That’s about it! Sorry for the depressing update. I hope next week will be better and I’ll feel more encouraged to write a better post. 🙂