For later

OK there is a story behind this two pictures. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress lately so I haven’t felt or looked my best. Today I couldn’t sit still thinking about going to work because I couldn’t stand how ugly I looked or useless I am.

I took these pictures because I want to be able to look back at them at a later time and call myself on my bullshit. Right now I just can’t but I can say: Here is what I look like today and I’m going to work like this.

And that’s enough for right now. Please let me know if you have any tips for when you feel like this!

Advertisements

Goals Update: Best Birthday in a Long Time+ Book Haul from NYC

I don’t think I’ve hid the fact that I’ve had some struggles lately or that I’m “working on myself” quite a bit. That being said, this past Sunday (well the 15th( was my Birthday so I took a break from everything I was doing and hoped on a train to NYC to visit my other friend in Manhattan. It was awesome (besides one store experience… see my previous My Experience at the Glossier Show Room to hear more about that) and I pretty much had my dream birthday besides the fact that I was broke af. But here are some goal updates with an added bonus of a book haul from The Strand.

Job:  I was hired at my dream job. Let me repeat because I’m so happy–MY DREAM JOB. It’s a job I’m perfectly suited for and I’ll basically be selling books. After all my money troubles and health struggles, it’s so satisfying and just plain nice to be able to write that I have my orientation tomorrow. Besides becoming a therapist, I feel like this is the job I was born to do. When I told one of my best friends Joey, she said that it was a perfect job for me because she associates me with books and warmth. I’m so happy that I can finally get afloat financially and go to work everyday.

GREs: I’m super nervous for these but to be fair, three of the programs I’m applying for don’t require the GREs. I really need to get on top of this though because my test date on the 4th is coming up.

Cooking: I’m back to making my rice balls and tofu. My bread making class (using yeast) is going really well and I’m learning a lot. I just made Anadama Bread and it turned out wonderful. I made Raisin Bread the week before and that also worked out great. I’m very glad that I’m learning this super useful skill because homemade bread is the best. It also doesn’t take too long to make! Next time I’ll take a picture of my loaf before I cut into it!

Transportation: I still have my amazing health insurance that helps with transportation but I really need to get my license. I needed to get it pretty much yesterday, but I’ve had the GREs and other stuff going on. I’m going to have to pay my parents for gas now, and honestly, I’d rather have the freedom of being behind the wheel. Basically, this is the only goal I’m hardcore failing at.

Volunteering/ Classes: I’ve actually been volunteering at a mental health clubhouse the last month, doing their data entry, helping out with interns and planning, and stuff like that. It’s been extremely fulfilling and I’m made a lot of friends and met a lot of nice people along the way.

I’m also still continuing to work towards my grad school goals. I’ve gotten all the letters of rec I needed, wrote a personal statement, and have started all my applications. My parents birthday present to me is paying for $130 dollars worth of application fees. Getting a job is also really helping this goal because now I’ll be able to afford to pay to apply!

Dating: Has been going wonderful. My boyfriend is visiting me right now.

Here’s a photo of us:

20171023_151119-61175225.jpg

He’s super wonderful and damn near perfect so I’m really happy right now.

That’s it! I actually had a panic attack the other day (which was awful) because I feel like too many good things are going on in my life right now. I just feel like my life has never gone this well and the universe is going to take it away from me somehow, someway, which is super illogical.

Oh I almost forgot… the books I got from the Strand for my Birthday this past week!

  • Sex and Rage by Eve Babitz, which is written just how I like the books I read to be written. It’s a bit magical and poetic. A quote from the back is that it a novel about “a dreamy young girl moving between LA and New York”. I highly recommend checking Eve Babitz out.
  • Total Mood Killer by Merritt K and Niina Pollari is a poetry book that I also highly recommend. My favorite poem so far is “Every Mascara Is Exactly the Same” and features the lines “i wondered how many makeups/ it would take for you to like me”. It’s a beautiful book so far. 🙂
  • Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having and What’s Really Making You Crazy by Julie Holland, MD is a really interesting book that I picked up because it relates to my chosen field (psychology) and a lot of it seems centered on discussing psychiatric drugs, which is definitely a subject I enjoy reading multiple opinions on. So far her writing style is extremely engaging and the subject is hitting home a bit. I figure that even if I disagree with her (which I haven’t so far but I’m not too far in), it will still be worth it to read more opinions and be more aware of some of the literature that’s around and heavily concerns my field.
  • Smut: Stories by Alan Bennett is just a fun book I picked up. I wanted something a little out there, something fun, and something “tender and comic” as The Independent (London) says on the back of the book. I haven’t really started the book yet, but it’s a really small book that I can’t imagine will take too much time to read.

 

Thanks for reading! What books are you currently reading? And what are your goals? How is your life going? Comment below!

 

 

 

Interview, Diploma, and Home Troubles: Goal Update

This is going to be an extremely candid post.

My family and I don’t get along. My struggles with OCD, eating, depression, and anxiety frustrate my family, especially my mother. Until recently, my father didn’t believe in mental health issues and it took several discussions with doctors and several (repeated) second and third opinions/ official diagnoses to get him understand. My mom has her own problems but never has been able to understand why certain things are difficult for me because they aren’t difficult for her. She heavily disputes my need for medication but wonders why things start to go wrong when I’m not on it. Her expressed opinion is that my disorders make her life more difficult, she didn’t do anything to deserve this, and her behavior generally consists of her and my brother repeatedly mocking me. Despite her opinion of me, she has always resented that I moved so far away to go to school because she feels a lot of my problems could’ve been avoided if she were there to ‘watch over me’.

None of this is to say I don’t love them or that I don’t contribute to issues in my family.  I’m definitely not always perfect or right, and things have been extremely tense recently. It’s just to say that my current situation isn’t a healthy environment for me and I should’ve never moved home, despite my parents insistence that things would be different and they would help me get healthy. Only my Father has been making an effort and to be honest, I still resent him for his previous beliefs and accusations about me being weak, making up my mental state, and purposely sabotaging my family. He has since admitted that his previous attitudes were incorrect but has never apologized and frequently says similar things when he is angry at me.

That is my current living situation, which might help to explain my current lack of enthusiasm for being out of school because despite whatever stress I was experiencing there, I wasn’t alone and I came home to a peaceful environment. Still, despite all this, I’ve made some progress with a few of my goals.

Job: I just came back from an interview I almost didn’t go to. I haven’t been feeling well recently and my parents and I have been fighting nonstop so I wasn’t very hopeful that the interview would amount to anything for me. Still, I went to the interview, was told that I was a good fit for the job, and that I would hear back for sure within the week. While it’s great that the interview didn’t go crappy and that I genuinely liked the manager and the atmosphere of the store, I’m a bit worried. First of all, I need a job really soon/ already needed one, the work while seemingly enjoyable, doesn’t relate to my grad school plans in the slightest, and I don’t know if I’ll get hired. Honestly, there aren’t many opportunities for employment (or otherwise) around where I live and I’m gratified for the opportunity to interview there and would love to be employed, but I’m distressed that all of the other places that have offered me interviews for jobs that relate to my field of study were too far away for me to commute. I really should get over this, but there is little more embarrassing to me personally than when someone asks me what I’m doing now that I’ve graduated and I have to tell them a) I’m looking for employment after recovering him an illness and b) that I’m seeking employment in an area that is not at all related to what I spent four years getting my degree in and it’s not by choice. The looks of pity, verbally expressed disapproval, questions about how well I did in school if I haven’t been able to find a job (actually, I did very well, thank you) are too much for me. I hate that my current situation is most likely going to look like that for the next two years of my life because grad school keeps getting postponed.

GRE and LSATS: I was extremely discouraged this past week since it felt like all my efforts were fruitless and going to amount to nothing so I haven’t been doing any studying at all. I hope to start again today. Testing and writing have always been two things I’ve been good at but it’s been hard to focus.

Cooking: I ran out of most of my food and need to purchase more. When I was feeling really sad, I foolishly lapsed into some disordered behaviors and threw away a package of my food thinking ‘if it’s not here I can’t eat it and gain weight’. Yep, that’s completely my fault. I also made cookies for myself and my family but my mom didn’t want any and tried to throw those out before my dad rescued them.

Transportation: I’m ordered a bike today so I can leave my house more, exercise, and avoid dealing with my family.

Volunteering/ Classes: Same as last week (no progress), but if I can get a job soon, I have hope that I’ll be able to look into something .

Furniture: I now have a bed, box spring, chair, chest of drawers, and vanity that I’ve purchased. I still need to paint my walls so I can’t unpack, but it’s nice to have places to put my things in the future.

Dating: I don’t feel much like leaving my house, talking to any of my old friends, or much less like going on a date. I’ve had a few seat up, but I never end up making the final plans. I don’t imagine I’d have much to talk about with my life being a certifiable mess so I’m just going to stay out of that for a long time. I also don’t look anywhere near my best atm.

That’s about it! Sorry for the depressing update. I hope next week will be better and I’ll feel more encouraged to write a better post. 🙂